Just an old boyfriend
by Xxbrokenpictures
Summary: it's not what you seem .. but either way .. read and check it out for urself ... pls! R/R!


A/N: bored ... I just did this a while ago. The song is um .. by Kaci. I just heard this song yesterday and i was spending my WHOLE day after that thinking of how I could incorperate this into a plot. oooo ... "it's been long, buffy" you say to me as you read this. *nodds her head* yes, i know that. IM SORRY. goodbye to all you wanted (chap.6) is up ( i haven't got a review for it even... *pouts*) ... it may sound stupid .. because i had this BIG DISTRACTION talking to me while i was typing. (it wasn't his fault people ..) anyways, this is a new one ... I think I'm gonna turn it into one big angsty, sad , dramatic .. thing im so good at,lol ... OK IM NOT THAT GOOD.  
  
R/R ppl!! *winks* you know what to do!  
  
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~All that life ment to me now doesn't mean a thing, I just lay there, I see you walk away, with the gun in your hand,  
  
i lay in a puddle of my own blood, so it ends like this...my final taughts  
  
*i always loved you* *I still do* *i never stoped trying to love you* *i lay awake at night just to hear you breathe* *just to watch an angel sleep next to me* *until the morning sunlight shines apon ur face like a crystal glow* *until u open ur eyes and look at me with dreamy eyes* *then i hold u really close* *holding back all the passion i have for you* *and then suddenly* *it's too much to hold i kiss ur soft sweet lips* *not knowing that this would be our last kiss* *no matter what happens next,why u pull the triger..i'll never know* *but thats a question no one can answer* *only you* *holding you tightly as u fall deeply into sleep again* *into the arms of morpheus* *holding back all my love for you* *it finally ends* *i get shot by the one i love the most* *what a way to die* *i wouldn't have it any other way* ~  
  
~Alex D'cruz  
  
(my boyfriend was telling me all this last night, he went on about how i shot him down when i took back the Hi and how i prefered at that moment of his insanity he should have been shot. to me, the concept of why he went overboard is something HE can only say. ppl, don't take his um .. quote thingy .. HE'D KILL ME IF HE FINDS IT SOMEWHERE OUT THERE ... my disclaimer applies to him .. (he's mine isn't he?, lol) sooo ... yea)  
  
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I see you on the street  
  
My broken heart still skips a beat  
  
I hear your name  
  
Inside I go insane  
  
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The saddness inside her was nothing she could never amount to. The stars that hung in their heveanly place against the heavens and other unearthly objects, gave their condolensces to the pain she felt. Nothing could amount to it. Nothing could ever.  
  
Steps that could have been avoided were so seemingly passed from her head. She shurgged them off. She was dying. A disease that controlled her movements, the way she felt, the needs she needed, twisted and turned inside her. It was living hell to have someone and yet not spend the rest of her waking hours with him. Restraint held her. Restraint and pride held her from making everything worth while. Damn to it. Damn to her. Her clentched fists that showed how much emotion she was going through bled a little. The mere scars left by her nails were etched on the feign milky skin of her palm. Did he know just how much hurt she was going through? Did he know just how much unrealized feelings she had for him? Did he know any of this? Dreams, Desires, and Destruction -why?  
  
Tears flowed from her eyes and broke her pride of staying strong. Nevertheless, staying strong just killed her eventually. She lifted her head with strands of her blond hair blowing in the faint breeze.  
  
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Baby each day that we don't touch  
  
One more day it hurts too much  
  
I can't forget the love that we made  
  
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Eyes caught on instantly as she stood across the street. His blue eyes held her saddness, held her pain. No.  
  
She took a step back not wanting to feel the anguishing feelings of her heart beneathe her hollowed soul. Did it still beat after all this time? After all the heartbreak and tears that left unnoticed? She wanted to run home. She wanted to run into his arms and cry as much until her eyes gave in. But was he still home to call of? No words escaped her lips. Not a syllable, vowel, nor letters.  
  
It felt like a stab through her heart as she took a step farther away from him. He was just a step away. Standing to be welcomed again. To engulfed in her scent that drove him mad. It killed him too. His hands that dominated her body, her flowing hair -were at his sides feeling helpless. He couldn't claim what used to be his. Nothing was ever his. She was never his. But at the one sight of her took his breath away, he wanted to hold her. To wispher in her ears just how much she ment to him. Just how much she eased HIS pain. Yet, she just stood there with an inetivable look on her face. He heard her sigh. And watched her take her step, again still away from his grasp.  
  
She didnt want to leave. And yet all her bodily functions were acting against her will -she bid a silent goodbye to the motion of his clothes as it ruffled against her skin. In reaction, it sent a shiver to her spine and awaken a desire kept hidden. How could that be? After all the drama she put up with? did her heart still cry out to be held? to be noticed? to be loved by him? She ran a hand through her hair. She was the slayer and he was the slayee. Nevertheless, this was never ment to be.  
  
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But there'll come the moment that we're gonna meet again  
  
Baby it won't even bother me  
  
Trying to make it to the day you'll be  
  
Just an Old Boyfriend  
  
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She walked with a rythmic pattern beneathe the sole of her shoes. Keep going, they uttered. Keep going till you walk to the ends of the earth, till you wont need him anymore . They told her how much she was better than this. How much she didn't need him. She insisted she did.  
  
But a debate went on with her consicence. It fought harder than all of her harbored feelings. It never gave up. Keep walking. She followed with such obedience, she didnt bother to look behind to see him watch her walk away. She needed him, she wanted him, but both were far away.  
  
Potent desires had nothing to do with it. It was a sense of longing and a sense of belonging to someone. Had she found it in him? Shaking her head she continued her pace, father and farther away from him.  
  
GOODBYE.  
  
  
  
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Won't be thinking of you every night  
  
We'd be wishing we could only try  
  
Won't tear me up inside  
  
Just An Old Boyfriend  
  
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The shop that held many secrets within it's walls was the only thing that kept her in tact. She busied herself day by day with senseless work that didn't even need the working. She closed her eyes trying to drown out the voices that ended a long time ago. Voices that told her how much she was cherished and loved. Voices that told her he was never going to hurt her. Voices that plagued her.  
  
With both her arms she shoved paper and such away from the table. Not minding the clatter as they listlessly fell to the floor, she sobbed. Crying like she had done the millions nights she had cried. Cried for the dreams that ended to soon. Dreams of the future life she could have had. How could he? How could he leave her up there with no clue of an explanation to the crowd that awaited her? He left unexpectedly in an unappropriate time. Hadn't he loved her?  
  
Hugging herself as a child would when scared, her tears fell one by one. The wind howled shamelessly outside and couldnt subside to adjust to her state. How rude.  
  
She wanted to sleep. She wanted to sleep the pain away. Sleep until the pain disappears. Nevertheless the type of pain she was in was the type of pain that could be slept away.  
  
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Anyone can see the love we killed is killing me  
  
I'm just so sad too lose what we had - Oh yeah  
  
There's no doubt that I should be ok by now  
  
But I'm not there yet: It hurts me so bad but  
  
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The voices inside her head spoke to her. A thousand dreams destroyed put into two single set of  
  
words. IM SORRY. I'm sorry? since when? The set of stars that hung high above with twinkles like  
  
her eyes could match no other fell in defeat. The night sang with them as they made their crash  
  
course to the unknown depths of the earth. To slow to understand, to fast to find. I'm sorry.  
  
She could hear those words as if eternity had just ended a day ago. They were like whispers  
  
against the wind. She didn't bother to catch them as they made their final exit, she knew how  
  
it went. She knew how it goes. She didn't believe him.  
  
How could he leave her there. In that alter in the solitary confinment of god's eyes. In that church. How could he? To pull such an act and to only come back to apologize. It scarred her soul and gave her the seeming ability to never love again. It began to rain and she looked over with a drugged glance that never ceased to end. She'd dream now. She'd dream the life she could have had -the life she wanted with him. In sickness and in health. Till death do they part.  
  
The dream where she loved him like never before and he would never leave her. The dream that washed over her as a sense of relief of the daily pain. For just a moment, she could pretend they were married. For just a second she could pretend there was no hurt. For just a while, she could feel him.  
  
SOLITUDE.  
  
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From the moment that we're gonna meet again  
  
Baby it won't even bother me  
  
I'll be looking to the day you'll be  
  
Just An Old Boyfriend  
  
Won't be thinking of you every night  
  
Only wishing we could only try  
  
You won't tear me up inside  
  
Just An Old Boyfriend  
  
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She clung to the pillow that held the sight of her long dull blonde hair laying upon it. She was gone. The memories never stayed with her. It was unfair. She wanted to hold her, touch her -tell her everything was going to be ok. But she couldnt even listen to her own set of advice. She missed her.  
  
Life had a way of taking anything she loved in life. They were apart for a while and then they had gotten back. She was the meaning of giving in her live. It gave her the reason to wake in the morning, she gave her the reason to dream at night. She gave her the reason to live.  
  
The rain fell silently outside. It matched the way her insides felt. It matched the only thing she had been doing for the passed few days. Cry.  
  
Her possesions hadn't moved. This reminded her of how the chance everything could go back to the way it was. All of it was the same. Like the old love she had, she knew in a matter of seconds her belongings would disappear with out a trace. Out of the room, out of her life. She wanted to cling to everything, but she tried to hold on. She tried to hold to that moment and cherish whatever she could have not seen, to savor it. To put on rewind and to experience everything all over again, yet saving her in each and every replays she had in her head. But the pain after the same memory never left, because she knew the truth -she was still gone. The pain she harbored all those days she stayed in that lonely dorm room alone, never left. The days that counted most in her life. The life that faded like ice with fire. All because of one single girl, one single passion, one single love.  
  
But it hurts like hell to reminisce. God knew she missed her. She gave up everything for her and where did it lead to -death. Loving again to her was the hard part now. Would everything feel the same? Would she be like this? Phobia grew by the second and within minutes, she had locked herself in the dorm room, never wanting to go out. The world can forget about her. The sky can fall without her. Life can continue with out her. Just without having this as she called her meaning by her side -life didn't have anymore meaning than it did now.  
  
LOSS.  
  
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Nothing more and nothing less  
  
No more living with regret  
  
Your memory won't get  
  
The best of me,the best of me  
  
Oh You're gonna see  
  
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Loving someone holds a consequence. Loving anyone does. Thats why if you love someone, let them know just how much you feel. Let them know you love them. If you have that special someone or you just found them,  
  
Hold them so, so tight that even god wouldn't be able to pull you away from each other. Hold them close to your heart so that even the slightest memory of each other wouldn't slip away. Cherish what you have, cherish them. Don't blink don't breathe, just live and love. Love like you never loved before. Take riskes and expect the unexpected, because one day, in a blink of an eye you can lose them forever. Nothing is forever and wishing for forever is nothing. Trust your heart even thought it lies. Love whenever you can, but dont love to much. Because even if the feeling of going high is great, the falling is even GREATER.  
  
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But there'll come the moment that we're gonna meet again  
  
Baby it won't even bother me  
  
Trying to make it to the day you'll be  
  
Just an Old Boyfriend  
  
Won't be thinking of you every night  
  
We'd be wishing we could only try  
  
Won't tear me up inside  
  
Just An Old Boyfriend  
  
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A/N: Great! I'm done!! NOW REVIEW! .. *pouts* I mean it wouldn't hurt to just press the blue button .. C'mon .. you know you want to ... pleaseeee ... *pouts* for me? 


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